If only....

45.

2009-06-04

Pigorilla Power! A Tale

I’m on angry seas somewhere between Stavanger and Southampton. I’ve just finished watching Forrest Gump for the second time. The first time was when it first came onto the circuit and while I remembered that it was a great movie, I didn’t remember the tears running down my face.

Ignorance and stupidity can be bliss, but while it can numb your senses, there are times when life throws you some curve balls, all in a row, and then things can become really sad and depressing. Somehow we pick up the pieces no matter what was the problem and we put them in a back pack and carry them along to the next part of our lives that is more likely to be happy. We relish in the happy liberating times for a while and then, out of the blue we get another big catastrophe that could put us in a bit of a hole which we mull over for a while, and if we keep going, another little good thing happens which lifts our spirits, sending us into the next happy phase, and so on, and so forth, until you’re lying on your death-bed and your dying becomes the low point of other peoples’ lives until the next good thing buoys them up. Is that really what life is..... series of good and bad moments with a few mediocre ones thrown in between before you’re heading into the ground with hardly even a moment to worry about what the fuck all of that was really even about?

I’m about to head back onto land, and I will have less time to think about everything and only time to think about some things. That should help. Knowing that I’m leaving is giving me time to reflect on what I’m doing before I do it. It is probably not a new feeling to any of you that plan ahead, but I never plan, except from one moment to the next and even that immediate planning is usually out of necessity. I’ve given myself a good month to contemplate leaving this ship. One thing I can say is that when you know that the grass you are on is soon going to be the other side of the fence, it changes colour in front of your very eyes from the dead beige colour of winter grass to the fresh shoots of spring grass. I wish I could change the way things are on the ship because they are not the way I would have made them to suite my own selfish needs. Everyone is here for different reasons. Very often I think that it may have been the allure of travel to places that you would never go to unless you were travelling on a ship. Certainly it was like that for me, but I was under the illusion that I would be earning more money than I have been. That would probably make a huge difference for me during my four weeks leave between contracts, or I could spend a little more money on board, or buy a few things when I went ashore and not have to worry about the price of a meal, or a beer. Those that earn a half decent ship salary that is tax free often get sucked into continuing their stint on the ship longer than they had planned to. If you embrace this life, appreciate the money and love your leave as well as enjoying your time on board, perhaps that is as much as anyone could ask for.

I am lucky that I don’t enjoy the job, earn much money, or embrace the life onboard, because I am outta here. I have met some wonderful people, but our interactions are stilted by the fact that we are always on the ship and there is no respite. As a result of this, it is hard to be yourself. It is hard for other people to be themselves. It also appears hard for people to not be hypocritical about their work colleagues and what they get up to, because that immediately puts them on the moral high ground which puts them in good stead about how they feel about themselves in relation to the others. Ironically, it only makes them feel better, but puts them in a bad light with their peers when they want to let off some steam or do something in a similar light themselves. As a result of this, one ends up with a “Lord of the Flies” situation where the group that should be working together ends up splitting up into factions without being able to have clearly defined boundaries because the hand that feeds you can also bite. It’s a complex environment that cannot be explained purely with an attempt to express my opinion alone. I have been very reserved and introvert on board, but there are a couple of people, one in particular, that behaves in an outgoing, gregarious manner, has a decent rank and is friendly to everyone and yet I can still see those with nothing else better to do behaving in a manner is anything but in line with the kind of warm friendliness that this sort of attitude would probably be greeted with on land.

It is probably possible for me to make a life of working at sea for a few years, but there is just too much to lose by not being on land.  At sea, there is no room for ambition unless you claw your way through the ranks through being efficient and responsible and putting in the time (years). At sea, if you are open to it, there is ample opportunity to have sex, but should you get romantically involved, you need to know that your partner is going to another ship and you are probably going to a different ship. If you are bound to be on ships for a while, this is something that you would probably end up accepting and make hay while the sun shines. I have been fortunate not to have to get involved in this, although being a man, it has been difficult. With a shortage of delectable girls on board, it is never long before your window of opportunity passes and some other horny male snaps up what caught your attention leaving you with a mixture of gratitude and remorse.

The clocks go forward tonight and after enquiring about a bicycle to rent from the Crew Club, I was informed that they are all broken, but I will see if I can hire one in Stavanger tomorrow and get a bit of fresh air while pedalling along the fjord. It’s a funny old world this, but I am already missing what I will be doing tomorrow. If only I was best friends with all my colleagues as only best friends can be and we were travelling around the world having a blast. If only.....